let me hold your crown, babe

Ok so I just finished a post about codependant relationships and how I think they are not all created equal. I think this song goes to my interpretation of some of the kinds of things I've experienced.  I've posted the lyrics and italicized & colored the parts that make me think of codependence so you can see what I'm seeing. I think it's pretty interesting.

Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I’d say if only I were able

But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man

We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked

So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine

And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning

There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?

You are not me

Who made you king of anything?

So you dare tell me who to be?

Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent

Swear you know best

But you expect me to jump up on board with you

And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction

But you’ll never see

You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps

You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?

You are not me

Who made you king of anything?

So you dare tell me who to be?

Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy

While I just hurt and hide

Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?

You are not me

Who made you king of anything?

So you dare tell me who to be?

Who died and made you king of anything?

Let me hold your crown, babe.

I love that last line. Makes me smile :)

During my reading on codependence someone had Kelly Clarkson's Miss Independence video posted in relation to codependence. I can see it, although it's a little different; but it speaks to the loss of independence (even though this video doesn't mention it as a bad thing). Another interesting thought. What do you think?

Me and My Frenemy Codependence.

This is where I indulge myself and just spew everything I'm thinking about codependence all over my blog.

It's recently been brought to my attention that I have an issue with codependent relationships. haha. You're probably thinking, um Yeah!! 'bout time Ciara! ... I just recently saw quote this online somewhere...

Codependence is doing the unnecessary for the ungrateful.

"Codependence is like a leech. It starts slowly, stealing every other one of your weekends, and continues to suck you dry until every single day is consumed by your codependent relationship." That is so incredibly well said. It is so much like a leech. If you click on that link it'll take you to an interesting website that talks about codependent relationships and how to get your life back from them. 

Now, I've been doing a bit of reading but haven't found the right material. According to a lot of the stuff I've read...

1. Codependents typically grew up with someone with an addiction or have one themselves.

2. Are Perfectionistic and Distrustful.

3. Do not want to talk about feelings because it will cause the relationship not to go smoothly.

4. They see problems with everyone and feel they are the only one that can fix it...

5. Have difficulty making decisions and leave everything up to the other person.

6. Are controlling.

I mean WOW. That stuff is totally not me. I love discussing issues but what I've found is that other people don't want to. I do not feel like I'm the only one that can fix problems and I'm not distrustful or a perfectionist. Oh, and I SOOOOOO do NOT have difficulty making decisions. (ok sometimes with certain things) but what I found was that I was the person making ALL the decisions! not the other way around. And I am not controlling.

There are a lot of websites throwing around things like this about codependents and it's really confusing and misguiding. Maybe there are a lot of different degrees to codependents. And I also think that there are people who are attracted to that type of person and that makes the whole thing worse.

What I do know about myself and agree with...I...

1. Feel guilty when being assertive or don't assert myself when I have a need

2. Have had a physical illness related to stress

3. Consistently feel unfulfilled in relationships

4. Have care-taking behavior.... most definitely.

5. Will avoid doing things for me to make sure things go smoothly in the relationship.

You know, I think I just don't fit in any type of box. I don't feel like I'm this big codependent person. I enjoy taking care of other people, yes, and I think my problem is that I have had relationships where it's taken advantage of. I think if I were in a relationship with a person with healthy boundaries and such, these issues would be non-existent because I would feel fulfilled and comfortable. 

Maybe I  have a problem with codependent RELATIONSHIPS and it's not so much me being a neeeeedy whiney codependent PERSON.

Either way, I will continue to look into it in the hopes of bettering myself and building a happier future. You have to start somewhere and you have to accept some unpleasant things about yourself if you're going to move forward and make a change.

Eminem/Rihanna - Love the Way You Lie 

Matchbox Twenty - Push

Like I said, I'm just spewing for my own personal pleasure :) The above videos, I think, exemplify unhealthy codependent relationships.

spew over.

_____________________________________________________________________

Sara Bareilles - Gravity

By the way, I gotta say how much I love Sara Bareilles. She is an amazing artist.

Sharing Music

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul" - thinkexist.com

I'd Rather Be With You

Joshua Radin 

I heard this guy's music on Scrubs, a show that I actually really like. I remember when it first came out and I thought it was the dumbest show. Shows how your tastes can change huh?

I really love music, especially music that speaks. I like music for pure enjoyment as well but music that has a message really touches me. I just recently "discovered" Josh Radin for myself and I would like to share his music because I love it. It also seems as if he's good in person, which says a lot for a singer.

You've Got Growing Up to Do

Joshua Radin

Here's an interesting website - the blogcatalog - if you like music blogs & whatnot... it's a list of blogs dedicated to music.

Is there music that speaks to you?

Noodly Soups

New Year Noodle Soup

I got this recipe from Heidi Swanson's blog 101 Cookbooks. I also just bought her book and it's a very beautiful book. I haven't tried anything yet and that's mostly because I'm not in charge of my own kitchen yet. But I did make this one because I wanted some soup that was a little spicy and robust. By the way, even with the serrano pepper and everything it is not that spicy. Once you end up boiling it for so long it cools down. So if you like really spicy stuff maybe add an extra half pepper or something. It's all up to you!

I'm not posing all the directions here, you can get that from her website. Her pictures are so much more beautiful anyways and it would be worth it for you just to look at them.

quick-soaking the beans 

Here are the ingredients. My changes and comments are in italics...

2 tablespoons olive oil
1 onion, thinly sliced (make sure you get another onion for the toppings! I forgot and only had one onion and used it all directly in the soup and was kindof bummed that I didn't have nice onion topping.)

1 long red chili OR green serrano, finely chopped
1/2 teaspoon ground turmeric
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

8 1/2 cups / 2 liters good-tasting vegetable stock/broth (here again, I goofed. I didn't get enough stock, so I added some water and bouillon cubes. My Wal-Mart in hick-ville didn't have veggie stock on hand so I used chicken broth)

100g / 3.5 oz yellow split peas or brown lentils
1 1/2 cups cooked chickpeas, rinsed if using canned
2 cups / 350g cooked borlotti beans (I couldn't find the borlotti beans so I used black-eyed peas. By the way, if you don't soak your beans overnight you can quick soak them, the bag explains how. If you use garbanzos/chickpeas make sure you boil them a little longer)

fine grain sea salt

Here's the fresh ingredients from left... copped green onion, I just added that cuz I wanted to use them, Cilantro, Garlic which I also added on my own, serrano pepper, dill, sweet onion... I used a lemon for the picture just because I thought it needed a different color. What I actually put in the soup was lime and it was Oh So Tasty with the lime!

Thin egg noodles, fresh or dried (again, Wal-Mart did not have thin egg noodles so I got rice noodles. you can also use reg-lar, haha, pasta if you so desire)

3 1/2 oz / 100g fresh spinach leaves, finely shredded
1/2 cup finely shredded cilantro leaves
2 tablespoons chopped fresh dill
juice of one lime

I love it with the spinach! Don't forget how much spinach shrinks. I used a LOT.

The toppings I would say are optional. I didn't use any butter. I also didn't have sour cream so I used cottage cheese as a topping which turned out nicely.

Toppings:
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 tablespoon unsalted butter
1 large onion, thinly sliced
100 ml sour cream or creme fraiche
50g / scant 2 ounces of toasted, chopped walnuts

Here is the onion before and after adding the turmeric and cumin... What Color!

Here again is the link for the full recipe - - - 101cookbooks - - - - She has some other very great looking stuff on her website. I am so jealous of her pictures and I want to eat them. I like her approach, healthy foods without all that added crap that you find in so many foods nowadays. People sometimes complain that you can't find all the ingredients to her recipes... to that I say, POO!!! cooking is meant to be an exploration. If you can't find something, substitute it. It won't kill you, or the dish. Play with your food. Don't be so scared to try something because you can't find EVERY single thing that's in the recipe.

I am looking forward to following her guidelines and cutting out a lot of the crap that's pretend food. I want to fuel my engine! :) I look forward to posting more of my exertions into this new dimension of eating. 

Self Titled.

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.  

~Author Unknown~

It's that time of year again; when we set ourselves up for failure for the rest of the year!

I'm just kidding. But really.

I've never been very big on new years resolutions. Mostly I guess because you can't fail at something that you don't resolve to do! :) But it's a new year and a new chapter in my life and I'm bound and determined to make this year better than the last one. I'm not gonna be hard on myself , I'm gonna do things I want to do!

Get fit. Get outdoors. Even though Montana's gonna be FREEZING I'm going to do outside stuff. Even if I have to join a gym I'm gonna get more active. I also plan on making my brother take me backpacking and camping; Yellowstone or Glacier and Baker Lake.

Plant things. I don't know if I can do this yet in the winter but I'm sure there are things I can plant inside. Besides, this is supposed to last all year right? Most especially, tomatoes and herbs. I looooove the smell of ripening tomatoes. Delish!

Can things. Make yogurt and my grandma's famous buttermilk syrup! yum! This includes trying new recipes, that won't be hard for me. I want to try more vegetarian dishes and incorporate and learn how to use different types of grains and whats not.

Make things. This includes practicing my calligraphy. I'm also going to work on my clay faces that my mother likes so much. I'm gonna finally do something with them.

Make money. A prerequisite to all. (this includes SAVING money) Love you Dave Ramsey!

Happy New Year y'all!

I liked this little quote...

The merry year is born

Like the bright berry from the naked thorn.

~Hartley Coleridge

Cleo and Pixie. Cleo is my shadow, Pixie is the little piggy that cried wee wee wee.

That's me. Wishing you a wonderful 2011 filled with happiness and health and a little good luck.

There are so many good quotes out there one New Years... I couldn't pick just one!

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.  

~Author Unknown

He who breaks a resolution is a weakling;

He who makes one is a fool.

~F.M. Knowles

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.
Benjamin Franklin

New Years Prayer


Dear Lord,
In the new year, we pray
that You will guide us each new day
in paths that are pleasing to You.
Lord, the new year gives us another chance
to rededicate our lives to You,
to study Your Word
so that we know right from wrong
and to act in accordance with Your commands.
Thank You for the sense of
direction, purpose and peace we get
from aligning our lives with Your Holy will.
We pray for the strength and the will to obey You
each and every day of the new year,
and when we fail, we pray for Your mercy,
Your compassion, Your grace and Your love.
Help us in the new year to be Your faithful servants.
In Jesus’ name we pray, Amen.


By Joanna Fuchs

writing about books

If I'm at a loss for things to write about I can always write about books. As you might know, I've been 'reading' a lot of audio books lately. I've always been drawn in by radio drama and audio books. I just think they're the neatest thing. I have found myself in Alabama for a month or so, staying with my parents while I regroup and prepare for my move to Montana; back to my roots. So I find myself with a lot of time on my hands...

I haven't written seriously about anything for awhile. I just haven't felt inspired. However, some books I've been reading are very inspiring. For instance, I rented The Confession by John Grisham to read on my drive down from Maryland. If you're a Grisham fan you may know that he also wrote The Innocent Man, which was a true story. I have not written about this book but I have wanted to.

What makes The Confession such a good book is that there is so much truth and fact in it's pages. As I read it I can tell that he drew so much of it from The Innocent Man. (By the way, I 'read' both as audio books, very well done by the narrators.) As I'm reading The Confession I also feel like Grisham has read a lot of the same books as I have recently. In The Confession the boy on death row is Black, which differs from The Innocent Man. This is not surprising because it's not the same story. BUT I've recently read two other true books written about two different Black men that were arrested. One innocent, one not. But what happens in The Confession is surprisingly similar to what happened to these two men. So The Confession is quite interesting to me personally for these reasons. I love it when books & stories connect like that. I feel like it was written just for me.

Those other two books I read are: In the Place of Justice by Wilbert Rideau and A Death in Belmont by Sebastian Junger; who wrote The Perfect Storm. Both excellent books which I may have to go into later.

If you know anything about my reading habits you probably know how much I like to read true crime. But I also like a well written novel. I had to share with you my enthusiasm for the connection of these books. I hope that if you read The Confession you will be inspired to read The Innocent Man. It's quite an eye opener and quite frustrating at times. The people who work on these cases are amazing people and should be commended.

The Innocence Project worked on Ron Williamson's case in The Innocent Man and they are still fighting to exonerate more innocent people. The system is still very broken in places and there really are police officers and detectives out there who do not care about finding the truth, only about making their own convictions stick. How does an innocent man come within 4 days of being executed? People should know; judges and lawyers should do the right thing. 

my beautiful grandmother

1 Thessalonians 4:14-18 (New International Version, ©2010)

¹⁴ For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. ¹⁵ According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage one another with these words.

This is my grandpa and grandma, Melvin and Gladys Johnson. Married 58 years. They are the most beautiful couple I've ever known and such an inspiration in so many ways. They were always so involved in the church but were never in-your-face about it. It was in the way they lived their lives. My grandmother died Wednesday the day before Thanksgiving, this 2010. As of today it was just a week ago. We are all still reeling from this incredible loss. She was an amazing woman. Really amazing. I can still hear her voice and keep thinking she's gonna walk into the room. I miss her so much. She has been such an important part of my life for so long I never imagined not having her around. I can only imagine how my grandfather is feeling. But at least we all have each other and we will take care of each other and God will help us through this. I love you grandma. You are an inspiration.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder 

You get your fill to eat 

But always keep that hunger 

May you never take one single breath for granted 

God forbid love ever leave you empty handed 

I hope you still feel small 

When you stand by the ocean 

Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens 

Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance 

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance 

I hope you dance 

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance 

Never settle for the path of least resistance 

Living might mean taking chances 

But they're worth taking 

Lovin' might be a mistake 

But it's worth making 

Don't let some hell bent heart 

Leave you bitter 

When you come close to selling out 

Reconsider 

Give the heavens above 

More than just a passing glance 

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance 

I hope you dance 

(Time is a real and constant motion always) 

(Rolling us along) 

(Tell me who 

Wants to look back on their youth and wonder) 

(Where those years have gone) 

I hope you still feel small 

When you stand by the ocean 

Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens 

Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance 

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance 

Dance 

I hope you dance